Maybe Iam� unloveable, could it be that I my deep fear is my reality? Maybe I require too much maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I should submit and lower my standards. Why should I be expected to give in. I hate playing stupid but I understand that men expect this from me. For all I while I will play along but am quickly bored with the back and forth. Men always want to find themselves in my home alone with me. This isnt going to happen, ever. I dont ever again want to put myself into a predicament to be raped and then told it is my fault and oh I deserve it. It is deeply embedded in my brain that I deserve to be treated poorly, to be be walked over and stomped on. Sometimes I question whether Iam a person or just an object to be treated like trash. I hope for very little, that way I wont be disappointed if shit goes down hill. Met someone he seems nice and normal then again you never know. They all appear sane in the begining. I have to constantly tell myself that he isnt my past and should not pay for another man's errors. Sometimes he makes me laugh other times his thoughtfullness makes me cry. It hard to grow accustom to someone who actually wants to hear what is on my mind. Dont know where this is going or if it will last. Guess I should not project anything just wait and see. Want to believe he is different and will allow me to reveal myself to him. Ultimately I want to be comfortable enough to let my guard down and be vunerable. It is a job for me to hold back what Iam thinking, what Iam feeling for fear of rejection or something worse. someone is standing close enough to read this so I must stop typing.
Today I� want to really hurt my son daniel he really irks my nerves. I just want to fucking slap the shit out of his ass. I cant cope with, this bullshit. I just cant see myself going through life like this. I am going off the deep end, feeling like checking out. I� cant do this anymore,this is not the life I envisioned for myself. When if ever Iam going to find some freakin� release. My house is torn down, my daughter is driving my crazy with nonsense. Anger mangement is what I need right now I dont even know if that will cure what ails me. Too much shit to do� and not enough of me to go around. Daymon made it a point to take me and the kids to church, why I dont know.� Hope this isnt his way of trying to get close to me cause, I am not into him at all, we can chat on the phone but prefer not. Nothing there at all he blew his chance(s) with me. Perhaps it is best that I continue to do what I do. Talked� to darien recently damn he is so fine. But beyond that there is nothing there we have tried over the years to get something going on and nothing ever happens.
�I started crying ealier when I was talking to someone on the phone� I cant cope with my undisciplined kids and their bullshit. When they start talking about their fathers I want to scream they aint shit and dont want shit to do with you. I m supposed to make all the sacrifices, make it happen for them and then get treated like shit in the end. Every thing I do is never enough, my kids are like fucking leaches. Daniel just tried to play me, he has been cleaning since before I went to church and now he gone say that shit is clean. Well I just helped him out! Everything that was on the table is now on the floor . I will break his damn neck, Iam tired of dealing with him, he always be saying shit under his breath. I will choke his his high yellow ass out just to prove a point to him. He gone say last night his father dont call him a mother fucka, he right he doesnt. then again his father dont say shit, cause he dont give a damn about him. If he did then he pay his childsupport consistently. Iam not about to beg him to do a fuckin thing. I wont give him the satisfaction!
And my sister's kids are off the hinges and lazy as hell, they break my kids toys and dont give a damn. her daughter ripped my daughter's present open out of jealousy, then she through her hair beads on the floor out of shear jealousy. Isaiah is about to talk himself into a killing. He just keep talking that bullshit in my ear and Iam going to get up and set his ass ablaze.
Iam really considering checking the fuck out, perhaps while their in school. I regret having them almost daily. Right now I hate them. Hate them for simply breathing. Iam spent I have nothing left to give. When its time for them to come home from school, I am filled with dread and pissed. From now on Iam not going to hold back and then explode. Iam going to go crazy on their ass as soon as they get out of line.
It seems all I have of my family is my two sisters. Both of my parents go behind my back spying on me. They tell me they are ashamed to have a son who’s a queer. Accusing me of having gay sense of humor. Apparently I’m the devil in the family. Then their whole church is talking shit about me. But still my phone keeps ringing Luby I need this, Luby I need that. I not stupid to realize pointing fingers when I am not looking. And over hearing conversation, they are all making fun of me. Hearing it from people who I thought I could trust. People who I grew up with express their hate on me. Can things get any worse? It’s like everything I thought I had, was never there. All I have is what’s with me now
You can always find me in a sea of people always talking to someone. But then there are those short moments in time when Im left alone and I wonder, can I trust these people? are they really my friends? Do they talk behinde my back? and Im to stupid to relize it? When I want too, I can walk among the crowds of�people and not be noticed, like Im invisible. Why is it when you have great friends and a great life that you still feel all alone?
just think this time next week santa will have been and gone we will all be eating turkey for ever more and new year will be just around the corrner not forgetting i have my nice's birthday in between them both bless she is eight this year going on forty eight . i'm starting to feel much better after my op i'm still sore but should be able to enjoy christmas just have to learn when to sit down and nowt like i'm supposed to but sitting still all day is very dull but never mind should be back to full speed soon .
Today's quote is funny. I have always tried to get my mothers approval. But in her confusion and agitation, she often tells me I am mean, she never wants to see me again, and she hates me, I want her in chains, in prison, et.c I do not take it personally any more. She is like a broken record....annoying but not harmful. I tell myself it is the disease speaking. So my fear of being disliked has been overcome.
I also feared having to put her into an institution, saying I would never let that happne. After only 2 weeks of living with this chaos, of hearing recommendations from 2 experts that it's the thing to do, I am coming to terms with it. I strongly wish I didn't have to do it. I wish she were not so impaired. I wish she could enjoy here and now things more, instead of fearing that pipes are broken, cars are missing, her dog is run away,Bill having an affair with Nonnie, her foot broken, and her stomach upset.
And Holiday time, snowstorm, and working with State Employees means that most action on these things will have to wait over two weeks--till after the New Year.
Seeing through all these fears, this nightmare will surely keep me safe, per the quote.
He's making a list … Gonna find out who's ... in the Book of Life?
�
There's a Christmas song I used to sing as a child about Santa “making a list and checking it twice” … you know the next part. It taught that only the nice got presents but if one was naughty then they'd get only a lump of coal for Christmas. Well the Lord is making a list too [“The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.” - Proverbs 15:3] … those who are His children by the new birth and those who aren't.
I'm not trying to treat this matter with lightness, but to indicate that the account we must give to God is far more serious than Santa checking to see if we are naughty or nice. It would seem that we are ALL on God’s “naughty” list. “As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one” – Romans 3:10. If we don’t get put on the “nice” list there is a far worse fate awaiting us than a simple lump of coal – “And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.” Revelation 20:15
Sound a bit dreary for a Christmas note? The good news is that the very season we’re celebrating is intended to point us to a wonderful gift God provided for each one of us who are on the “naughty list” and wish to be on God’s “nice list” known as the Book of Life. A gift cannot be earned by us no matter how hard we may try to be “nice” or then it would be a wage and not a gift. “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” – Ephesians 2:8, 9
The question then isn’t whether you are “naughty” or “nice” but rather have you accepted this gift? Not sure? Let me explain more about it. I mentioned there is a difference between a wage and a gift. “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” – Romans 6:23. Taking that into account wouldn’t the gift seem the better of the two?
Christ took upon himself the wage we are due. Interestingly enough the tree we use to celebrate points to the cost of this gift I spoke of. “Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree…” – I Peter 2:24.
If you believe that He has purchased this gift for you then do two things; (1) give up your efforts to win His approval by your actions (Hebrews 6:1 "...repentance from dead works...") as Christ's action on the cross is the only one which bridges that gap between where you are and where He is. And (2) talk to Him about it in prayer. Make this Christmas the one where you received the greatest gift of all. “Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.” – John 6:47
So, are you "naughty" or "nice"? Is your name written in the Book of Life? Of the presents you receive this year, there is none greater than the gift Christ offers to you if you will but accept His gift of salvation.
This is my wife and my Christmas message to friends and family.� If it is a blessing to you please share it with others.
Ok well my name is Caitlin and I'm in the 7th grade. I don't have a big sis but a big bro. whos not very helpful. *lol* In grades kindergarden thru 4th grade a guy I am completely in love with was at my school and in my grade, too. His name is Alex. I have always had the same feeling when ever i see Alex. Except its gotten a little bit stronger. I start to shake if i see him or i get really really quiet. I have a "friend", Angel, (who I hate) whos mom sits me. Alex and Angel are like best friends but in fifth grade Alex transford. Sometimes Alex comes over Angel's house but all I can do is look at the floor the WHOLE time because im afraid that i will lock eyes with him and he might think im weird. I don't know if he likes me but everytime i say just one little thing to him then i start to shake like crazy! I want him to know but im too shy and im worried about what he would think, if he likes me and his response. Please help me!
*The Kewlest Dork*
NoDeadenz 22, Male, New York, USA - 84 entries
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